One hundred and nine days of agony!

 Day 109

February 16th, 2024

Hi Jethro!

Today is a simple day of recollection. I did watch the movie but I wanted to pivot again from writing about the film and any crackpot theories I may have as my sanity slowly slips away into the abyss called Crystal Lake.

I haven't been in the best of moods all week and I continue writing daily because I find it to be cathartic. I am not a fan of the Hallmark holiday and I am not a fan of the blood work results I received. One would think that I should just abandon the project and shift focus to myself.

What if I were to simply ride the wave of consistency and start making changes for myself? After all, this is my one go at life and I would be pretty pissed if it came to an abrupt ending. I have battled MS for 25 years come March 10th. I also battle other ailments in life due to that and well, being lazy and not taking care of myself. 

My father had his first heart attack at 42. We managed to get an additional 19 years, almost twenty before he passed away from a heart attack. Heart failure and heart disease run in the family. I am 5’7 on a good day and weigh over 300lbs. I used to weigh around 220 ten years ago. That is still high but it was manageable. Now every day is a battle. What is going to hurt or how is my mental state going to be for the day? I'm knocking on the door of 41, which scares the shit out of me because I'm closer to hitting that dreaded age.

I had my Kevin Smith moment on my vacation. I am almost too fat to fly. That is embarrassing. I love how rude the flight attendant was given my situation. Just stares and coming across bitchy was the attitude I received. 

I got to thinking on the flight about how I just waste the life that I had. Why? I do not know. Then I got to thinking about how my dad’s heart attacks changed who I was as a person. 

The first one he had was the swift-ass kick I needed to become a better person and not an asshole. The second one lost focus and lost someone being there for life milestones for the family. It's not easy losing a loved one, we all react differently. I remember going on a hug mission at his visitation. Screw handshakes, hugs are more meaningful. 

Family genetics say I'm fucked. 

Then I got to thinking again yesterday with the news of the blood work that I need to take life seriously. It reminded me of how destroyed I was when I heard that Kevin Smith almost died when he had his widowmaker. He made drastic changes to his life, lost a lot of weight, and got in better health. 

What is stopping me from doing the same? It's me. I am stopping myself from wanting a longer better life for me. It's almost like I want to go out and want to do it my way. I make small changes and quit. I don't see anything through regarding my health because I want instant results. I don't see results I quit. 

Change needs to come. Inspiration needs to come. Support needs to come because the support I get on getting in better shape is the worst. It's like they want to see me fail. I am tired of failing. It is time to ride that consistent wave of watching this movie and blogging and shifting it over to keep that momentum to reach 367 days and make positive changes in my life. Even if that means weeding out the naysayers.  I will not go vegan!

All I know is that I am not ready to depart this world. Then again, is anyone?