Day 51

Day 51

December 20th, 2023

 So again, I am just watching the movie for the sake of watching it. As much as I want to review more deleted scenes or sequences today, I am not feeling it. I am starting to wonder if this will take a toll on me mentally. It is like a daily chore like brushing your teeth or showering just to watch it. I know that I have a lot going on outside of watching the film, and seasonal depression is probably kicking in if you couldn't tell from some of the anti-Christmas stuff I was saying yesterday.

For the record, I once liked Christmas, then I saw how dysfunctional my family became after my father passed away, and we were able to only get a handful of good Christmas Eve nights. It started going downhill after I had my colon resection. I do blame myself for the start of the decline. I ripped my brother's family a new hole because I took all my pain out on them. This was when I grew less fond of letting the kids do whatever they wanted. I did not yell at the little ones, just my brother's wife and her son. Kids need to know rules and boundaries, I feel. This is coming from someone who was far from a good kid; I was a little shit. Just ask my mom, my cousins, and my aunt. In retrospect, it was not a wise thing to do, especially being all doped up on pain medication and slowly developing severe sleep apnea. Funny, my sleep may kill me. The irony. 

We got one more okay Christmas, and then the walking on eggshells began... again. This time, my brother took the gifts that my sister repurchased their daughters to her house and put them on their doorstep. Why? Well, my sister stopped buying my older nephew Christmas gifts because each year, he was so fixated on how much was spent on him. If you didn't reach a certain threshold for him monetary-wise, that was never good. It took the kid and his mom a good four to five years to realize that my sister stopped buying for him and for them to do what they did was not right. Taking gifts away from kids is not teaching anyone a lesson; it is being petty as fuck. They had to explain to the girls what they did, and my sister had to explain to her son what they did, causing a considerable family war that eventually got worse later on. 

They say time heals wounds. One day, it may heal the wounds, but I am not expecting it to happen anytime soon. If it does, I will be shocked. You see a glimmer of hope sometimes, but it is still walking on eggshells.

To answer the question, am I worried about my family seeing me blog about our issues. Honestly, if they do, excellent. Maybe that will create some dialog to get everyone on a good page; if they don't, I am not bashing anyone, holding each party and myself accountable for our actions. We have said and done some shady shit towards each other that would have had my dad breathing down our necks to make it suitable for Mom. We lost that voice, and sometimes, I feel like we are lost in that aspect. I just hope it isn't too late before we kiss and make up. I do not need to hear another sibling spill their guts on regretting things when all they had to do was compromise. Not everyone will like everyone. Families have issues; it is how you navigate those webs that determine if the problems still exist or can be forgiven. I wish there was a guide on how to forgive people. Most actions can be forgiven, while a small few can never be forgiven. To me, it is like a double-edged sword. Take the good with the bad. 

This was a much-needed break up in the writings, and I have noticed that personal blogs get more views than blogs about the movie... Hmm.